Seven Strategies for Finding Freedom from Digital Adultery

Guest Blog by Forest Benedict

Both God and pornography grabbed my attention at a young age. At age six, my father introduced me to Jesus and at twelve, a classmate presented me with pornography. For years these two loves would compete, as I sought to serve God while secretly hiding an insatiable hunger for self-destructive sexual indulgence. This conflict continued for over a decade. Years of false starts and self-induced suffering eventually resulted in surrender. I finally sought help.

How God redeemed my story is beyond belief. I am now a therapist who specializes in the treatment of sexual addiction. I teach and train therapists to assist individuals both overcome by addiction and overwhelmed by betrayal trauma. God continues to use my work and writing to bring hope and help to others.

Maybe you can relate to my story. The odds are that everyone reading this is either experiencing the draw of pornography or knows someone who is. Sadly, the Church is steeped in sexual addiction. Though too few are talking about it, many men, women, and children are mesmerized by this siren’s song. Pornography has a strangle-hold on the Church, with an estimated 2/3 of Christian men and 1/3 of Christian women viewing it.[1] Adolescents between the ages of 12 to 17 are the largest consumers of pornography[2] and the estimated average age of first exposure is 11 years old.[3] In shame-driven isolation, too many stay silent.

Harmed Relationships

Pornography use harms all areas of life, especially relationships. Most couples come to me in crisis. So often, one partner experienced early exposure to pornography and believed the myth that married sex would substitute their sexual compulsivity. In shame, they concealed a secret addiction. This was the first betrayal that would someday surface. Maybe they abstained for a season but, eventually, when the stresses and struggles of life emerged, they often ran back to their comfort of choice: pornography.

When spouses seek a pixilated prostitute, they trade their relationship for wreckage. Here are three ways marriages are harmed when this happens:

1. Hindering intimacy. Connection and addiction cannot coexist in a relationship.[4] When one partner uses pornography addictively, it prevents intimacy. The connection that comes from reaching out to their spouse does not occur when they run to pornography to cope with life’s pressures. Time and attention that could be invested in their relationship is instead spent on sexually compulsive pursuits.[5]

A similar impact on one’s relationship with God can also result. Repeatedly reaching to pornography rather than God’s outstretched arms is the sad story of one who forsakes their “first love.”[6] They must choose between lust and love but cannot have both.

2. Stifling sexuality. It is baffling to me that pornography is sometimes promoted as a sexual aid. If anything, pornography use diminishes sexual satisfaction.[7] Premature ejaculation[8] and erectile dysfunction[9] can be consequences. Not only can pornography use diminish sexual ability, it also alters sexual attitudes.[10] According to Covenant Eyes, 88 percent of porn scenes contain physical aggression and 49 percent contain verbal aggression.[11] It is no surprise that this skews views of sex. The “blessed” and satisfying sexuality hailed in Proverbs 5:18 is light-years away from the demeaning distortion of sex presented in most pornography.

3. Causing unparalleled pain. Even when sexual addiction only involves pornography, it is often experienced as infidelity.[12] Many partners who undergo this type of relational trauma experience symptoms of PTSD, losing their sense of safety.[13] These partners can experience anxiety, depression, rage, hyper-vigilance, intrusive thoughts, and shame. They may blame themselves, becoming preoccupied with their body image. They may lose trust in their spouse and in God. Sadly, these symptoms often persist long after the day of discovery. Covenant Eyes reported over half of divorce cases being related to pornography addiction,[14] so it is apparent that pornography use can poison a marriage.

Countless Consequences

Pornography use harms more than just marriages. Relationships with children, God, and others are impacted. Neurologically, self-control is impaired.[15] Self-image suffers. Witness to the world is silenced. Justice is undermined, as the porn industry propels sex trafficking forward.[16] No sphere of life is untouched. How fitting that the plea of Proverbs is to keep to a path far from the adulteress.[17]

Specific Strategies

For the reader who is ready to pursue a new path, here are seven crucial strategies for finding freedom:

1. Humble yourself. Attitude is everything. Pride pours gas on the fires of addictive desires. Humility douses the flames. The sobering truth I see repeatedly is this: Find humility or humility will find you. The latter includes incomprehensible losses. Choose with great care.

2. Find same-gender support. Accountability is essential for both prevention and confession. When tempted, humbly call for help. Grace-based, not shame-based, support will sustain lasting change. Both addicts and partners can benefit from a guided group setting where their secrets are safe and their hearts can find healing.

3.  Go deep with God. Brennan Manning writes that the journey from mistrust to trust can be like a “second conversion.”[18] Letting God compassionately hold one’s heart in trying and tempting times is much different than simply memorizing scripture. Both may be helpful but recovery will entail daily experiences with God, not just learning about God.

4. External and internal protection. Easy access to the portable prostitute is a trap. Protecting devices with filters and accountability software is often necessary. Implementing internal protection means learning self-care routines that strengthen self-control. Adequate sleep, exercise, and healthy eating will bolster the brain’s resistance to temptation.[19] For those traumatized, self-care is equally essential.

5. Seek out a skilled professional. Stories abound of those who sought support in all the wrong places. Seeking someone who specializes in sexual addiction treatment can prevent unnecessary pain and promote lasting healing (See Week 1 of the Recovery Roadmap). This will be important for both addicts and their spouses. Couples in recovery must be coached as they learn how to connect, likely for the first time in the history of their marriage.

6. Disclose with discretion. Dumping every detail of a pornography problem on a partner can be detrimental. Honesty and transparency about the past and present are necessary but without the guidance of a trained professional, some specifics may cause unnecessary wounds.

7. Be patient with your partner. Recovery for both addicts and partners is a long-term commitment. Lasting change will require significant soul-work. Patience will provide endurance for the lengthy road ahead.

The Hope of Renewal

For both the reader who is far down the path of pornography and their traumatized spouse, there is hope. God has the unrivaled ability to resurrect that which was once dead. For those who have humbly sought help, I have seen relationships reconditioned to a new level of intimacy. There may be years between the present reality and a healed marriage. Yet, this rough road to recovery is far superior to the instability of a divided heart, the despair of disconnection, and the anguish of an unfulfilled life lost to lust.

I believe God is raising up a Church that rejects pornography and seeks authentic connection. As God unshackles us, He invites us into His mission of setting captives free. Though this path to healing is steep and treacherous at times, it is incredibly rewarding. And the view from the top is spectacular. It is my steadfast hope that someday I’ll see you there.

This is an excerpt from: Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery by Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP https://forestbenedict.com/  

Originally published in Christian Leader, Jan. 2016. http://www.usmb.org/departments/Christian-Leader/article/When-secrets-surface.html

[1] Laaser, M. (2015). Lecture presented in the SATP program, Mid-America Nazarene University (online)

[2] Internet Pornography Statistics. (2006-2008). Retrieved from http://www.mykidsbrowser.com/pornography_stats.php

[3] Internet Pornography Statistics - TopTenREVIEWS. (2014). Retrieved from http://www.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics/

[4] Reid, R. C., & Woolley, S. R. (2006). Using emotionally focused therapy for couples to resolve attachment ruptures created by hypersexual behavior. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13(2-3), 219-239.

[5] Reid, R. C., & Woolley, S. R. (2006). Using emotionally focused therapy for couples to resolve attachment ruptures created by hypersexual behavior. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13(2-3), 219-239.

[6] Revelation 2:4; Holy Bible, NIV

[7] Zillmann, D., & Bryant, J. (1988). Pornography’s impact on sexual satisfaction1. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 18(5), 438-453.

[8] Castleman, M. (2010, May 28). Premature ejaculation: the two causes of men’s #1 sex problem. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201005/premature-ejaculation-the-two-causes-mens-1-sex-problem

[9] Deem, G. (2014, June 9). Porn: many teens watch it, and two reasons that’s a problem. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gabe-deem/porn-many-teens-watch-it-_b_5450478.html

[10] Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York: Viking.

[11] Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C., & Liberman, R. (2010). Aggression and sexual behavior in best-selling pornography videos: A Content Analysis Update. Violence Against Women, 16(10), 1065-1085.

[12] Weeks, N. (2010). Effects of pornography on relationships. Families & Communities. Retrieved from http://extension.usu.edu/files/publications/publication/FC_Marriage_2010-01pr.pdf

[13] Sisterhood of Support. (2014, July 21). Barbara steffens part 1. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3VkPLFgLZU

[14] American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. (2002, November 14). Is the internet bad for your marriage? online affairs, pornographic sites playing greater role in divorces. Retrieved from http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/is-the-internet-bad-for-your-marriage-online-affairs-pornographic-sites-playing-greater-role-in-divorces-76826727.html

[15] Hilton, D. L. (2009). He restoreth my soul: understanding and breaking the chemical and spiritual chains of pornography addiction through the atonement of jesus christ. San Antonio, TX: Forward Press Pub. 71.

[16] Pornography and Sex Trafficking. (n.d.). Trafficking within the professional porn industry. Retrieved from http://stoptraffickingdemand.com/trafficking-within-the-industry/

[17] Proverbs 5:8; Holy Bible, NIV

[18] Manning, B. (2000). Ruthless trust: the ragamuffin’s path to god. San Francisco: Harper.

[19] McGonigal, K. (2012, February 01). The willpower instinct. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BXuZL1HAg&t=1s

A Facebook Fast: from loneliness to love

Guest blog by Nathan Hunt, co-host of discipleshipandethics.com

Just over a year ago I was lonely and discouraged.

Stranded in a new city with no friends, an unreasonable amount of work to do on my thesis, and a couple challenging months into marriage, I spun my wheels in search of connection. Though I rarely posted or interacted with the comments swirling through my feed, I sat longer and longer staring at Facebook.

In several of his works, Henri Nouwen draws a distinction between loneliness and solitude. Loneliness, he says, is a place of isolation where the compulsive self vainly searches for validation. “Who am I?” he asks in The Way of the Heart:

“I am the one who is liked, praised, admired, disliked, hated or despised. Whether I am a pianist, a businessman or a minister, what matters is how I am perceived by my world. If being busy is a good thing, then I must be busy. If having money is a sign of real freedom, then I must claim my money...The compulsion manifests itself in the lurking fear of failing and the steady urge to prevent this by gathering more of the same — more work, more money, more friends.”

“If loneliness is the outcome of connection stripped of love, then solitude is its opposite: the choice to disconnect in order to commune fully with Love.”

Or in the world of the millennial — more likes, more shares, more comments. But today’s post is lost in the algorithms of tomorrow’s trend, and affirmation without genuine connection could hardly be more fleeting.

So I found myself, for the first time really, in a sustained battle with anger. This anger was not so much the direct result of my time on social media, so much as my anger and time on social media were both reflective of the broader state of loneliness and disconnection into which my heart had fallen.

Again, Nouwen helps me make sense of the spiritual-psychology underneath all this.

"These very compulsions are at the basis of the two main enemies of the spiritual life: anger and greed. They are the inner side of a secular life, the sour fruits of our worldly dependencies. What else is anger than the impulsive response to the experience of being deprived? When my sense of self depends on what others say of me, anger is a quite natural reaction to a critical word. And when my sense of self depends on what I can acquire, greed flares up when my desires are frustrated."

If loneliness is the outcome of connection stripped of love, then solitude is its opposite: the choice to disconnect in order to commune fully with Love.

Without any real thoughtfulness or fanfare — and so, I assume, by the grace of God — I pulled the plug. For the next eight months, I was completely removed from social media and began the slow transition from loneliness to solitude.

And what a liberation it was! It may be that for twenty-first century people, enmeshed in financial and familial connections and responsibilities, simply removing ourselves from Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts is the closest we can come to the desert of the monastic fathers.

Three things happened for me almost right away.

1. I discovered that a large part of my self-representation was functioning through this digitized, one-dimensional version of myself projected through my “profile.” I realized that even though I wasn't a heavy user relative to many, I still stressed about how I was viewed, the kind of "witness" I was having, how frequently I stuck up for justice, mentioned Jesus, proved that I was still outdoorsy, etc, etc. Leaving Facebook, I was freed to simply be Nathan through my body — through my words and actions in physical presence with others.

2. I was released from believing that Facebook politicizing and opinion-sharing is authentic (or essential) engagement with the struggles of human beings and this world. I focused instead on showing up physically at political demonstrations, in relationship with the marginalized, or a hurting friend's side. I gravitated toward deeper research than trending articles and embraced real conversation.

3. I found myself engaging more directly with friends and family (though I still have a lot of work to do on this one!). I sent more personal emails, made more phone calls, chatted on Skype, tried to initiate more coffees.

Facebook can be a tool for good. I’m happy to acknowledge that -- in fact, my organization is currently winning significant rights for homeless people in Denver thanks to a viral Facebook video. But for my personal life, it increasingly failed to cultivate genuine relationship, wasted my time, and raised my stress levels. Most importantly, Facebook entangled me in worldviews that increasingly conformed my mind and behavior to patterns other than Christ’s. As a tool of discipleship, it only led me further from the cruciform life I crave.

“Leaving Facebook, I was freed to simply be Nathan through my body — through my words and actions in physical presence with others.”

Eventually I came back.

My wife and I wanted to share wedding pictures. I wanted to let people know about a new website and blog I was launching (shameless plug). My job wanted me involved in communications.

But I have not come back the same.

Facebook has not held the same grasp over my identity. My compulsive checking and rechecking has almost faded completely. And my solution to loneliness and self-affirmation seems to rest much more consistently in a different Source.

But the siren song is loud. The noise of the political season fought hard to draw me back into old patterns and contrary habits.

It may be time to disengage again, if only to reconnect with this world and the source of love.

Living into Focus

Book Review:

Living into Focus: Choosing What Matters in an Age of Distractions
- Arthur Boers

The title captures well what the book is about. It is well written, a good mix of personal reflection by the author, examples from his life and the lives of others, and insights from thinkers like Ellul and Borgman. The author brings big ideas of cultural criticism down to practical, day to day issues and habits of my life. I use quotes from the book in a few different D & E classes and have added chapter seven as a reading for the course.

A few memorable quotes:

“We have allowed our technology to outrun our theology” - MLK Jr. (69)  

“The issue is not technology itself but the reality that we often do not reflect on how we are affected and formed by our use of it.”

“Machines grow quieter, but we use more of them and so add to the noise. Devices are increasingly energy efficient, but we employ so many that we end up using more power than ever. While computers and online connections get faster, the time we spend on them keeps going up. The better we are at responding to e-mail, the more we are inundated by it.” (70)

“Too often our interactions with technology follow a predictable trajectory: because it is available we use it, then we think it is normal, and finally we expect or even demand that others employ it as well.” (71)

“People must be taught not to want leisure but to desire possessions.” - Henry Ford (144)

“When unclear about fundamental priorities, urgency becomes the default position.” (192)

I encourage you to read the book and, as I did, look for one or two new things to integrate into your life. Small changes can have big impacts on the whole.

Presence in an Age of Absence

During the first five or so years I taught Discipleship and Ethics, some students would push back and argue with me during the technique/technology class—they wanted to defend the use of technology. Following Ellul, I made the point that I was not attacking specific technologies. Rather, my concern was society’s general shift to adopt any tool or technique that was perceived to be more efficient without reflecting critically on its potential alienating impact.

The push-back no longer happens. 

No student has argued against my general thesis in that class session for years. At one level it is counter-intuitive. Students today use much more technology than in 2000 when cell phones were not ubiquitous, and there were no smart phones, tablets, etc. One would think that students would feel much more defensive today. But they are not. My sense is that no one pushes back now because, in their being, they feel the alienation that Ellul describes. They feel the truth. They have no problem filling the white board with both positive and negative effects of efficient technologies in their lives. This shift from push-back to no-resistance is like a carbon monoxide detector going off. Something has changed. The danger level has increased. What are we doing to let in fresh air and lessen the toxins?

Two years ago I added a new assignment after the class on technique. I ask students to do the following and write a reflection letter on the experience: 

Choose a day in the week ahead for a fast from electronic communication (cell phone/mobile devices, e-mail, Twitter, Facebook and any other internet based forms of communication). You may choose the length of the fast, all day would be ideal, but less than that is acceptable.

It has proven to be a powerful assignment. Here are a few examples of common reflections:

“I began to see that all my efficiency is at the expense of something I hold dear...relationships.”  

“I felt a sense of freedom that I have not felt in a while; actually, I felt human. The world does not hang on my shoulders; it will not fall apart if I do not answer the phone. My relationship with my wife felt a lot more profound even though we didn’t talk much but simply enjoyed each other’s presence. My time felt abundant and the day went by less faster.”

“It was a struggle to wrestle with how I can reduce the control technique has over me when I live in a society that is conditioning me to rely on technique.” 

“To my great surprise, this day felt like a day off. The irony was that I did a lot of work, but it felt like a day off. I enjoyed the fact that I did not have to continually check my phone, wondering if I had missed a text from someone that I might need to get back to. I did not need to check my Facebook or e-mail. I did not have to see the blue light of a computer or kindle or tv screen. I did not have to be controlled by anyone else’s convenience nor did I feel compelled to initiate a question or conversation with someone I felt obligated to. I did not feel bad or guilty for a conversation not happening.”

“I realized how often I check my phone for calls and emails. [I] would reach for the phone only to remember it wasn't in my pocket.”

“In my most consumed moments of social media and technology there are instances where I become aware that I am looking for something. I ask myself in that moment: what am I looking for? What do I need right in this moment that I think social media can fill? Is it friendship? A connection? Personal meaning? Motivation? Am I avoiding something? Am I seeking attention? Recognition?”

“The first thing I felt: Addicted.”

“I discovered I thought I could be in two places at once.  I believed I could be on the floor playing with one of my daughters and also responding to a question via my phone.  This is not true, the moment I pick up my phone I am no longer in the same space my daughter is in.”

“I now realize just how much of a priority I give to these forms of communication without even realizing what control it has on me. I had to literally lock my phone away because I was finding that I would just naturally look at it without thinking. Why has this become such an addiction?”

Some students also shared action steps they planned to take such as turning off their phones at a set hour each evening, having a no-phones-at-the-table rule during family meals, not carrying their phone at home—treating it like a land line, or committing to regular fasts.

I encourage you to try a fast, or do it again. 

Share what you learn and ideas on how to lessen communication technologies’ alienating power in our lives in the comment section below.

In recent years we have listened to part of a college chapel talk by Shane Hipps. He tells a moving story about the significance of presence and ends with the following statement that I encourage you to reflect on today:  

“The digital age has taught us that our presence doesn’t matter. . . God became flesh and lived among us. We all have bodies too.  . . Something about presence matters. . . May we become God’s presence in a world of absence, in a world desperate for that kind of tangible presence.”